Love

With Valentine's Day approaching, this seemed like a reasonable topic. And it's been on my mind a lot lately. A substantial amount of change came with Carson (duh). And where time and energy used to abound (it didn't seem like it then, but it does now) I now feel like I need at least 5 more hours in the day - 3 more for sleep and 2 more to finish the tasks left undone. I feel like I've been in survival mode for the last 8 months - just trying to make it through the sleepless nights, the feedings, the never-ending laundry and bottle washings - and somehow make it out on the other side still sane. And as I take a step back I realize how much has been neglected in my life these many months.

I do finally feel like I'm getting the hang of this mommy thing. Carson now has a predictable schedule (due to change any day now, I'm sure) of a morning and afternoon nap and is starting to sleep through the night - albeit not entirely of his own accord. So I'm feeling a little more human and a little less zombie-like during the day. And I don't need to nap with Carson very often, which means I get more done around the house during his naps, which just makes life easier. I'm also making it to the gym a couple of times a week which makes me feel better about myself.

I love Carson soo much - but he is an incredible drain on my energy - he is a love sponge and at the end of the day I don't feel like I have anything left over. This is especially true on days when Carson is clingy - I am just "touched out" at the end of the day. What I want most is space and time for my thoughts and for me to be just me for a little bit. But it's hard to get me time and Chris time and family time too.

And then there is the house. Now that I am a "stay at home mom" there is this idea that all things household are now my job. Laundry, floor cleaning, meals, shopping, dog walking, bill paying...and this on top of watching a little guy that IS IN TO EVERYTHING and has a demanding schedule all of his own. I do want to be clear that Chris is a big help around the house and when he gets home he pretty much takes Carson through his night-time routine and wouldn't dare suggest that the house is my responsibility alone - but for me I know it is - partially just because if I don't do these things, they don't get done - at least not in a time frame I am comfortable with. And I realize that that my need is a big part of of my stress - I really do need the house to be in a minimal state of cleanliness (my standards have ironically dropped dramatically since having a child) before I can be happy and relax. Which, yes, means that the dishes do need to be put away after dinner before I can relax and enjoy the rest of the evening.

We had a speaker at my mops meeting today that put it wonderfully. Imagine you are a person that in order to be happy and relaxed needs to have their house in order (not hard to imagine that). Now imagine that your house is a mess - laundry piling up, dishes unwashed, toys scattered about everywhere, trash can overflowing. And you just don't have the time or energy to clean it. Now imagine that you are confined to that house for most, if not all of the day. Your home has just become a prison! How hard would that be? --- It's getting better, but a few months ago, this was EXACTLY what I felt like.

The speaker went on to talk about how each of us has a unique "love language" that we both voice our love to others in and also prefer to receive love in. This talk was based on the book The 5 love languages. The basic idea is that there are 5 major love languages (with some variations in dialects ;o)) that people used to communicate their love. #1 is words of affirmation - communicating love by giving compliments, encouragement, etc. #2 is by spending quality time with their partner - engaging in meaningful conversation, sharing thoughts and feelings and doing fun things together. #3 is receiving gifts - particularly gifts that show advance thought and planning. #4 is acts of service - like helping around the house, running errands, generally making life easier for the other person. And finally #5 which is physical touch - holding hands, hugs, kisses, backrubs and of course sex.

Our speaker today was a guy. It was really interesting to hear his perspective, especially when it came to the part about physical touch, in particular sex. I'm sure this is #1 for most guys. And his take on it was interesting. Basically, he seemed to think that men don't compartmentalize things as much as women. For example, when women seek emotional closeness they someone they can talk to. When a women feels discouraged and need encouragement she finds it in a kind word or note from a friend or loved one. Men on the other hand tend to sexualize most of their needs. Need to feel emotionally close to their partner - have sex. Need to feel appreciated and needed - have sex. Need to relax and unwind - have sex. It's an interesting take on it that I hadn't considered before. Probably pretty true of most guys.

Bet you will never guess what my preferred love language is! That's right #4 Acts of Service. I view a lot of what I do around the house as an act of loving and caring for my family. And what means more to me than anything else? Someone offering to help with some of the household chores - especially when it is unsolicited help! I've always said there is NOTHING sexier than a man doing dishes - and I really mean it! It's not all that hard to get me a happy, relaxed mood - help me clean my house and cross items off my To-Do List! Quality Time would probably be second on my list of love languages - spend time with me! Listen to me talk!! The only person I have to talk to all day is an 8 month old! And his vocabulary is limited to words like lalala-da and bla-bla-blad. And I think like most women, feeling loved is more about emotional closeness than physical closeness - which means that I highly value face to face time and sharing those inner thoughts and feelings - which I think can be hard for guys to do sometimes. I think if I were to prioritize the list above, it would be:

1. Acts of Service
2. Quality Time
3. Words of Affirmation
4. Physical Touch
5. Receiving Gifts

I bought the book and I'm looking forward to reading it in more detail. And I'm hoping Chris will read it with me. I have some guesses about what his preferences would be from the above list - and it's not very similar to my own! Which means that we probably have to work a little harder to be aware of the other person's needs. Chris is already well aware of the fact that helping me around the house is a huge thing - and he does. And I'm pretty sure that physical touch and words of affirmation are big things for him. But it will be interesting to see what our final lists end up looking like.

And I'm hoping that this exercise will help us find out the best way to communicate our love for each other. For example, I'd appreciate having the floor mopped way more than I would like to get flowers and chocolate for Valentine's Day. Now 2 years ago, I think this list would have looked a lot different and I would have said screw the floors - I want the chocolate and flowers. But that was before I spent my day chasing around an 8 month old!