You Are Here

You are here. This statement offers context, a reference point. Where I am in relation to where I came from and where I am heading. This is obviously relevant to finding one’s way on a trail or even through a mall. But it is also relevant to my outlook on life right now.

I find myself incredibly focused on my research at this very moment, as well as extremely concerned about my future and where my life is taking me. While it is important that I think about the future and what I want for my life, it is equally important that I take the time to soak in where I am at as well. Appreciate life as it is at this very moment. This is not always easy to do, but when I do consider where I am right now, I realize it is not so bad. I have a wonderful husband whom I love and am loved by. We live in a place with at thousand and one things to do and we have the freedom to explore our surroundings and take off on a whim for a weekend excursion or even just a Saturday drive. While we are by no means financially well off, we are making it and can afford simple pleasures-a nice bottle of wine with dinner or better yet homemade chocolate soufflés made with Scharffen Berger chocolate! (Watch out Harris family-you may just find that my chocolate soufflés are even better than my apple pie!).

I often reflect on what it will be like to have a couple of kids running around and how much this will change our lives. Both Chris and I want this, but I know that I will miss the freedom we have now once we have kids. I know new experiences and wonderful times will easily fill this gap and more than make up for it. I imagine it to be a change much like falling in love. My life before Chris was good-I enjoyed being independent and living on my own. I loved life in the dorms at Evangel. I will never have friends like I had there on Spence 3rd South. We were a family. We took care of each other when times were hard and celebrated together when times were good. There were so many good times. I remember when my friend Kari used to turn up her radio when I good song came on and people would come out into the hall and head towards her room to dance and laugh together. Those were such fun times. Irreplaceable. While married life is fundamentally different, having someone to love and to be loved back is an amazing thing. Being with Chris has added purpose and meaning to my life beyond what I could have ever dreamed. I imagine that having a child will have the same dramatic impact. Life will be totally and completely different and all that came before this event will seem small in comparison.

What I will do after graduate school is the big question for both Chris and I right now. Kids are definitely an important factor. If it hadn’t been for graduate school, I’m positive there would be a couple of little munchkins running around our home. The major dilemma is figuring out how I am going to have kids and a career. There is no easy answer to this question. I want both but feel like I can’t have both and do both well. And you know what a perfectionist I am….

There’s no easy answer. And while I will explore what I am considering in future posts, it is sufficient to say that I am not content with the options I see before me. I have to decide what is going to make me the MOST happy - both in the long and short term. And maybe more importantly, I need to stop being so worried about what’s going to happen two years from now when I graduate and take the time to enjoy life NOW.

I am here now. I will never be here again.