In a funk

I haven't posted in a few days because I've been in a rather down mood lately. Not an extremeley bad or crabby mood or upset over anything in particular. Just not in a good mood, I guess. (And a bit more easily annoyed or offended - poor Chris)It's a weird place to be. You know when you feel a particular way and then start looking for reasons why you feel that way? Rather than something obvious happening to you that results in a mood or feeling? And, of course, once I started looking for "something wrong" I found plenty and landed myself in an even worse mood.

Possible contributing factors to my bad mood:
1. I don't know what I want to do with my life.
Should I do the next logical step in my chosen career path and look for a postdoctoral position? Should I put my career on hold and have kids? Should I try to do both? Should I pursue a more financially rewarding job in consulting, law or biotech, but in doing give up all chance at a family life? These unanswered questions are always on my mind now. I am only a year to a year and half from graduating and it really is time to start looking to what I'm going to do in the future. For most jobs in my field, the hiring process is done a year in advance, so I feel a lot of pressure to make a decision as to which direction to go. And I really am torn. I love having a career and know I can do well, but I also feel that my chances of success are decreased if I stop and have a family. Which of course I want to do. But when and how are two very difficult questions.

2. Thesis Research
While my research is coming along and my thesis committee seems happy with my progress, I'm at a difficult place. I'm trying to finish up a project I've been working on for a year, only instead of yielding straight forward answers, nearly every experiment adds another level of complexity that I have to sort out. So while I am getting results, for every result I have to do another 5 experiments to try to figure out what that first result meant. I am finding it difficult to motivate myself into starting the next round of experiments. Partially because I've given up hope of a straight forward answer, and partly because the next set of experiments are not experiments I'm entirely familiar with, so they require my undivided attention - which is just not happening right now in my life when I feel pulled in so many directions.

3. The move.
Obviously moving is a big deal. It has basically taken the last month of free time from Chris and I. And we're still not completely settled. We're getting closer, but there is still the extra bedroom and garage which need considerable work - and they are also the hardest portions of the house to organize. They are where everything that doesn't have a designated place ends up. Now that we're here I just want to get away. I want a night off somewhere where "what needs to be done" isn't screaming at me everytime I walk into the room. I'm an excessive compulsive neat-freak and hate that about myself. I can't walk into a room without noticing anything and everything that is out of place or in need of cleaning. It's a curse. Coming home is no longer the relaxing end of my day, it's the beginning of my night job - cleaning, unpacking and organizing.

4. Family Issues
I've been having a lot of conflicts with my family lately. My dad and I just don't see eye to eye when it comes to my step mom. This has a lot of history, none of it good. I don't like my step mom and she doesn't care much for me either. She was the other woman that my dad left my mom for, so we didn't exactly start on the right foot. And I gave her plenty of attitude during my teenage years for sure, so she has plenty of reason not to care for me as well. To make a long story short we've both gotten into a routine of just ignoring each other whenever a visit is warranted. Until now, all of the sudden my dad has decided we need to be a happy family. It all started when I didn't send my stepmom a birthday card (like I have time to remember everyone's bday). It was a huge deal - which I think is just ridiculous as I find it very petty to count up gifts at birthdays and christmas to see who got me what. I just don't care much - get me something or don't, whatever. But Sharon's not like that, she notices and she gave my dad an earful apparently. My dad and I got into it good and although I don't like it one bit, I've agreed to "make an effort" to include Sharon and be polite. My dad wants me to have a relationship with her, which is just not going to happen. I don't need a mother figure in my life and even if I did, it wouldn't be her. Anway, it's all stressful and everything and the whole thing just makes me upset. And to make matters worse I'm going through a similar situation with my brother-in-law.

5. A million other little things
Added time pressures like making it home to walk Lichen. Not having enough quality time with Chris. Conflicts with our new landlord. Not having time for swim workouts. Money. Grading and tutoring to make more money. Being in a hurry all the time, eating fast food and feeling like crap later. Missing my friends who used to work across the hall, but left. Feeling vulnerable and less trusting after the robbery. Commuting. Falling behind in my pile of "must read" journal articles. Not having time for me.

I guess this is where I'm suppose to say that life really isn't that bad and it'll all work out in the end. Maybe it isn't and maybe it will.