Faith

I was talking with my sister in law on the phone tonight when we happened onto the subject of faith. For the first time in a really long time, I opened up and began to talk about my feelings on faith and where I am in my relationship with God. The truth of the matter is that my spiritual life hasn't been much to speak of. Even though Chris and I have found a church that we attend, on occasion, we really don't have a church home. But it goes deeper than just going to church, I have felt so empty lately. With my busy schedule I barely have time for myself, let alone God. And I know that I need His presence in my life. I know the difference it can make. I have this voice in my head constantly reminding me that He is there. Waiting. But I can't find my way or, more likely, won't try.

Why? I guess that's the real question and the one Ruth asked. Mostly I think it's because I know that in order to find my way to God I have to deal with all of the stuff that's between us. It feels like an impossible mountain to climb. What if I slip and all of that stuff just comes toppling down on top of me? I have so much balanced on so little. One little slip and I might just lose my grip on it all...and I'm afraid I won't be able to pick up the pieces.

I remember at our church in Kansas City how uplifting I found the worship service. I loved going just to sing and let go...and to be filled back up with peace and love and joy. I would look forward all week for those 15 minutes when nothing else mattered but just being in His presence. I felt so close to Him. Over the last few years I have had that feeling less and less. Last time we went to church and the worship service started I sang and clapped and looked around at all of the people feeling how I used to feel. I felt nothing. Complete and utter emptiness. The songs held no meaning for me, there was no joy or peace or love. I left the service more distraught than I had come.

I hit an all time low. This, of course, was timed perfectly with a peak in my stress from my work. I felt like I was working harder than I ever had in my entire life (and that's saying something) and getting fewer results than I ever had as well. Add on the messy house, finances and all the other stresses, well I just about lost it. It's funny when I look back on it, I realized how much help I had from God. My neighbor came over the night when all of this was building up and just listened to me rant about my stresses. Of course, I didn't mention anything about my spirtual lackings, but before she left she offered to pray with me. I was so taken aback, I couldn't remember the last time someone had offered to pray with me. I faltered and declined, but told her I would appreciate it if she would pray for me. She gave me a hug before she left and said she would. I think this conversation opened me up to talking to Ruth tonight.

It takes someone special to tell you that you are loved and important. And not only by them but by God too. I cried when those words came across the phone line. The words went straight to my heart and began to fill a bit of the emptiness.

I think God used Ruth to plant a seed in my heart tonight. I ask for God's help in making it grow. I don't long for the relationship I once had, I need more now. And I need help getting there.